If you've been in a relationship for a while now, and you're starting to notice a change for the worse, you're not alone.
Feeling of resentment, defensiveness, even silent treatment are normal part of any long term relationship.
When you spend that much time with someone, and take away quality time with each other because of the increasing demands of who, or what you're caring for, this is sound to happen.
I've routinely experienced this in my own relationship, and observed it in couples I've coached to resolve these challenges and the feelings that drive them.
Today I want to share with you some principles and practical actions I would take if I were you (If you want to strengthen your relationship and deepen your connection with each other like I do)
Some of these principles are:
1. The highest intention of every action is a seeking of unconditional love.
Many times after a disagreement I have asked myself "how is this person, or me seeking unconditional love, and how can I give that to them?".
Because if I don't accept someone's behaviour, I'm rejecting mine when I've been reactive.
Let that principle guide you in your repairing breakdowns in communicating.
2. People's behaviour is how they feel about themselves.
This gives me similar insight to principle number 1.
If and when I've calmed down, I'll begin to say to myself "this persons behaviour wasn't about me, how can I communicate in a way that show them I appreciate them and I'd love to support them, whilst separating responsibility for their reactivity and emotions?
This is a challenge for most when we care about someone, which brings me to the next principle.
3. What is the meaning of this situation?
In the most difficult times of my relationship, I've asked this. I didn't understand the question at first, and then it hit me..
"The meaning of our disagreement is that we care about each other, we care about what we've built, who benefits, and what we're building together.
This has been profound for me. I can honestly say I've depend the love I have for myself and my partner, by recognising this.
4. Be Playful
If you think about where you go and what you daily, what if you changed not what you do with your partner, but HOW you do it?
Today I turned the music up on a hip hop song and danced with my shirt off because I challenged a friend of mine to a dance off. My wife walks in and wants to know what's so funny. I'm giggling like a school girl while I show her the video I filmed for the dance off.
Think of this playful experience as a feeling of love you share that you can stack like pancakes.
I didn't plan for us to laugh and connect more than usual, I focussed on being playful and it naturally happened.
How could you approach the same situations and places with a playful attitude?
Conflict begins when we try to parent our partner, and conflict ends when we become playful.
Because being playful is being child like.
5. Never stop dreaming
Offer ideas and agree to judge each other on the good ideas, not the bad ones.
Dreaming is how we stay connected to our evolution as humans. The child within us is wide eyed and full of wonder. The limitless possibilities are what supports that. Children who are made to feel safe dream more, and when we become adults we can lose that because we might need to learn how to make ourselves feel safe.
Maybe we never learned how to take care of ourselves well.
So the pursuit for feeling safe and comfortable in our own skin distracts our dreaming.
But know this, dreaming and getting out of your orbit to apply those ideas is what helps us feel safe and good about ourselves.
So keep dreaming and keep building those dreams.
The beauty of a partnership is that you get to build your own dreams, and then discover your collective dreams you both want to move toward.
If this helped, and you'd like to learn more about improving your relationship, click here to say hi and connect.
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