How To Have A Drama Free Relationship
Updated: Feb 21
You might feel like you're in a relationship at home or at work, that is at times disconnected or involves confusing interactions, which isn't supposed to be the case.
Having the powerful ability to always connect deeply with another, even when you disagree or don't like what they're saying or doing, is a learned skill that you probably weren't ever taught.
When you learn how to do this, your communication will change when relating to ANYBODY, meaning, your ability to communicate effectively with clients in your business, work colleagues, friends and family are also naturally upgraded.
Everything we do is a strategy and we use the same strategies of communication with everyone and anyone based on our current level of awareness, understanding and education.
When you’re feeling negativity towards your partner or others, in that moment it’s chaotic because you’re stressed and have tunnel vision focused at the problem which appears to be them.
The truth is that you are playing out a predictable role called the drama triangle that when understood, can be changed so you can always get the exact result you want when communicating.
There are three main identities in this cycle and understanding, as well as being aware of them, is the first step to having powerful regulation of your emotions when you start to feel any negativity with anyone.
In Disney's movie The Lion King, Simba was the victim when he was blamed for his fathers death and exiled from the tribe by evil uncle Scar.
The victim is the role played by someone in a relationship that feels helpless or powerless to change what caused this feeling.
We all play this role out in more ways than one and it is one that, when we continue to act this way, we give away our power to change the result we want.
If you notice yourself talking about how the result of someone else's actions is why you feel hurt, angry or sad, in that moment, those feelings are real and you are right.
However with the ability to understand, and act on behaviour you will and won't accept being done towards you, you will find that you can now handle the challenge of what caused you to feel like this and can change.
The only way you will be able to learn this is if you can observe that you are in fact, playing the role of the victim in this unresourceful cycle that continues to loop.
When Simba was initially exiled from his community, Timon and Pumba played the role of the rescuers by by befriending him when he was lost on his journey.
Simba only needed rescuing because he did not yet believe that he was strong enough to take care of himself.
The rescuer will act accordingly because they believe that not only do others need their help because they appear to be helpless, it is also a self fulfilling purpose that the rescuer has experienced themselves. In a relationship this can be played out when one of the two are playing the victim, and the partner sympathises with their feelings, becoming vengeful (the aggressor) towards who "made them feel this way" when in fact, this will repeat the cycle and disempower the victim to be able to change what keeps happening to them.
By listening without need to say or do anything first until your partner feels safe enough to ask what the next logical thing to do is, you are lowering their stress levels and taking the first step to learning a tool that they have never learned, which is why this isn't the first time this has happened for this individual.
The next step is to ask them which outcome they truly want because negative emotions cloud the actual desire to change an outcome.
If you can then ask them what they truly want without them giving them your opinion, they are learning to trust and rely on themselves to be resilient and resourceful in their most challenging situations.
The moral of the story is that by fishing for other people, they never learn how to feed themselves and can unconsciously start to be dependent on others to do what they have the power to do.
The Aggressor (Also Known as the Persecutor)
When Simba is visited by his father in a dream, he realises he must take his place as rightful king by defeating his evil uncle Scar.
He must become the Aggressor when doing this to fight and defeat Scar.
We don't have to do this, because we are not animals...
We have greater problem solving ability.
When you get angry, you become the aggressor.
In the moment of being the aggressor you might not even be aware that you are, because of how strongly you feel about what needs to be expressed.
Whoever the aggressor is communicating with can quite often play the victim, however, this can reach breaking point and the roles can be exchanged.
The victim can become the aggressor and vice versa, which only escalates the problem and creates a strong negative association with the two people communicating.
This will impact many times in the future when they are faced with the same challenge in the same environment this communication happened if there is no change in learning how to respond differently and understand each others point of view compassionately.
We get angry because someone treated us badly when we allowed ourselves to be treated badly because we haven't learned how to understand others and communicate our boundaries
We get angry because we feel like we're right or what we saw someone else do was wrong.
We are actually right in that moment based on our current level of awareness that that is the only choice we have to react with negativity towards someone.
Angry because we feel like if we can get this person to see our point of view, we will have contributed to a greater outcome and will feel better.
The truth is we don't feel better, and a better outcome doesn't occur from being angry because as Albert Einstein said "You can't change a problem at the same level of thinking you created it".
And levels of thinking are determined by different emotional states you feel which raises or lowers stress.
This cycle is the result of what most people are missing.
A system that gives you a powerful understanding of yourself, and others.
When you have this you can weather any storm.
Like a wave that goes with the flow of the collective challenge the ocean throws at it.
My 12 week program Relationship Excellence helps you never have an argument again and instead, create powerful and impactful relationships in your personal and professional life.
The next time you find yourself being the victim, rescuer or aggressor, ask yourself, how can I be the change I want to see in this person?
All change starts with what you can do
When you change others will magically follow your lead.
(The Drama Triangle is derived from Stephen Karpman's theory of "The Drama triangle"
Reference Drama Triangle Model: http://rosaliepuiman.com/drama-triangle-and-leadership/
"How we do one thing is how we do everything"
When I was younger, it took me an extra 6 months to learn how to read than the other kids at school
My mum spent most nights reading to me and helping me learn
And then in school I felt as though I had learning difficulties, only really ever excelling at sport,
I was constantly coming home with D's and E's on my report card on everything.
Until one day when I was in the tenth grade, my mum promised that if I got 5 A's on my report card, she would buy me the best gaming console available on the market at the time "A Sony Playstation"
And just like magic, I applied myself much, much more
In 6 short months I had 5 A's on my report card
A's in Maths, English and other subjects I had hated previously
Topics I was so bored by
Why? What changed?
My main motivator was pleasure instead of pain
Therefore, knowing what you are motivated by could be the difference between unnecessary struggle for you, and more rapid achievement of your goals.
Because the other times that I had been asked to do the work at school, or at home, and my incentive was that I wouldn't experience pain, it never made me do it.
Can you relate to this?
If you find that you are someone who says they "need to" or "have to" do something, then you may be someone who is motivated by pain.
This means that for you, knowing the exciting future your reality will hold when you achieve a new goal, will not be enough to make you focus and stay consistent to do what is necessary.
If you're motivated by pain, the first step is most important for you.
If you always say that you would "love to" or "like to" do something, pleasure may be your main motivator.
If you're motivated by pleasure, then you must be focussed on the very last action you will take before you achieve your goal, because it excites you and makes you do the work.
So what are you focussed on right now?
How will you know you have achieved it?
And what is your main motivator?
The Wheel of Life is the first tool that I teach my clients which helps them understand their main motivators, as well as discovering the exact actions they need to take to get results and achieve their biggest goals.
If you'd like a Free copy of The Wheel Of Life, you can send me an email saying "Wheel Of Life Please" Here