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How to raise confident kids.

If there was one thing I had to pick from everything I've learned that's helped me be the best parent to young kids (toddlers and babies so far), it's what I'm about to talk about. When I've taught it in passing to leaders who are parents, some are often blown away by this, and instantly realise how they've been making big mistakes. After they learn it, they understand their kids more, they're more compassionate.

I heard this quote today "You can't hate and understand someone at the same time". So good, it was so good when I heard it.

Because since teaching and mentoring high performers to be better leaders ( and parents as a bi-product) it's clear that this formula is accurate:

1. Appreciate

2. Understand

3. Heal

4. Give

5. Grow

When you appreciate a situation, person, behaviour, anything, you understand it more by doing this, and then that feels good.

Because you're healing your psyche.

You're making yourself more conscious of the ways you learned to reject yourself unconsciously.

I'd read that again if I were you, it's changed my life and made me SO much more appreciative of humanity to know everyone's doing the best they can in each moment with the resources they have and are aware of (for me that's just so true).

So then you grow from healing, and you want to give more because you realise that it feels good to give, and the way you achieve anything great and continue to grow, is by realising how much each human on this planet needs one another.

Humans need you and your genius.

I mean, how do you get to experience flying through the sky while you sit in a chair?

Having your own personal computer and endless library of songs to listen to that fit in your pocket?

Walking into a room that has air flowing into it at your exact desired temperature like absolute magic?

Other humans.

That's right, you have other humans to thank for many incredible things you probably don't think twice about.

And that's cool I get that part. We all miss what we can be grateful for when we're distracted by other things at times.

So, here is the one thing I'd choose to learn for my kids to be resilient, wise and powerful (I get the above was not about that, but really its very useful for me what I've said above).


There's a brilliant book called the whole brain child.

In it, a picture of a brain split into two halves.

You see a ladder that leads up to the top half of the brain.

When a child is in emotional pain, until that's regulated, you can't teach them anything.

They need physical touch to regulate these emotions, or simply waiting for them to cry it out because their bodies express a lot of what they don't have the words for yet. They also need parents to be attuned to their emotions, meaning, they can say "You're feeling sad right now, it's ok to feel that" and most of the time wait until they've let it out.

After observing so many adult clients let go of emotions, I really see them like a sneeze. You've gotta let them get out, otherwise it's like the sneeze builds up again, and you want to sneeze louder or harder.

The big challenge I see, is that 'attuning' part I was talking about?

That can only occur if a parent is aware of their own emotions, because then they can decipher what's going on with their child.

That's why I teach the connection codes.

I teach ambitious leaders how to unlock connection to themselves, so that causes them to deepen connection with everyone around them.

Notice body language as cues, or begin to teach the language of those feelings. Now when I ask my 3 year old what she's feeling, she has a library of them. And I'm not saying parents don't do this. I'm saying it's at a lower level.

So out of everything, why did I choose that to learn, and teach when writing this?

I've read about infants in orphanages dying due to receiving no physical touch. Literally, they died because they couldn't regulate their own feelings in their body.

I observe the after effects of lower emotional intelligence in high achieving leaders weekly. How much it is in the drivers seat of their actions.

It's been shown that people with emotionally intelligent role models have more loving successful relationships, less anxiety, and more career success.

So yeah, it's pretty important. It's not everything, and yes everything needs context. Me being someone who was in the military there is definitely a time for shutting off emotions to achieve outcomes.

I've done that a lot.

But emotional intelligence GIVES you the skillset to be able to process stressful feelings after they happen as well.

I'll leave you with this with the intention of being useful.

Most negative feelings you'll have are hiding a feeling of fear, that's the real thing to deal with, especially anger for example.

And the thoughts you're thinking aren't real, they get produced by that threat the body is perceiving.

What can you do about that?

Ask "what am I really afraid of here"

Acknowledge it, make it known. Most fear is simply fear of the unfamiliar.

Notice in this present moment right now as you're reading this that there is no threat (for most people this is true).

Notice what you feel in your body.

Whatever it is, is ok and normal.

Take a deep breath in through your nose twice, hold it for four seconds.

If you can relax your jaw do that, and breathe out slowly through your mouth (feel free to sigh).

You might notice you feel a bit more relaxed.

Hope so.

I also hope after reading this that you love deeply and differently every day.

Toward yourself and others.

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