I'm standing on the stage practicing my lines for our end of year performance in front of the whole grade 6 class.
I feel a tug on my hips, look down and then hear the whole class erupt.
A boy pulled my pants down and everyone's laughing at me.
I had never felt more embarrrassed in my life.
My cheeks went red.
The teacher yelled at the boy and then we head off back to class.
My embarrassment turned to rage as I stewed on the boy.
He did nothing but laugh all the way back to clsss, showing no remorse.
That day at lunch, I walked up to him to fight.
I swung a pinch at him, missed, and he fought back hitting me once.
It ended quickly, and he was noticeably angry, as if this was all unexpected.
I sat back down by myself.
Feeling so hopeless and helpless.
I couldn't even make him pay for what he did to me.
I believe this is what made me want to prove myself maybe.
Maybe it's where the drive to want to write and speak well comes.
Or maybe mentoring itself.
It's a way of helping others resolve whatever made them think they needed to prove themselves.
Maybe it's all a way to have control over others, so they won't laugh at me and that little boy get hurt again.
Even if that control is a positive influence.
My biggest learning from this is:
If you're still trying to prove something
Someone has power over you.
And you can never prove your worth, because it's immeasurable.
Am I enough?
Is an impossible equation to solve.
Because if you exist
You deserve to exist.
And ultimately in my experience the only one we are trying to prove anything to?
Is ourselves.
I wanted to prove that I could put on a performance where people didn't laugh at me.
Instead they revered me, clapping and praising me.
What I was really learning is that it's ok to be laughed at.
Everything that happened had no meaning until I gave it some.
And at any moment I can change that meaning.
A kid was making a joke, pulled my pants down, and revealed a deep insecurity of mine, so that I could accept it, and embrace the awkward entertainer I was.
Honestly I don't know if that's how the story went down, it's as best I can remember.
That's the funny thing about the mind.
These stories we tell that shape who we are and what we decide we can and can't do.
They're not even that accurate.
They're kind of made up.
So if that's true..
Why not make up a new story?
You may have heard the saying
Life isn't happening to you
Life is happening FOR you.
What if you write the story about what's GOING to happen for you?
The truth is you've always had the power over what everything means, and what you decide to do with it.
Use what you've got I say.
I wrote this because I'd noticed that same feeling of embarrassment and rage because of what someone said.
And I know it wasn't what someone said, it was what I made it mean.
AND I just think judging others is always us judging ourselves, so I know what I feel towards anyone is about me and how I haven't accepted a part of me.
So..
You can always flip the script and turn pain into power.
May you learn to love YOURSELF deeply and differently every day.
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