Teach consequences.
When my daughter doesn't want to do something, I explain the why. If you watch too much tv it makes your brain sick, If you hit someone they might hit you back and it will hurt a lot, the point here is getting her to think for herself, and to make it about her. Not me wanting to control her to make my life convenient. Disclaimer: I will try to control her to get somewhere again on time, we all do. But this isn't about being perfect. It's about exposing kids to the best principles. Being good enough.
2. I say sorry
Yesterday I grabbed her arm because she wouldn't get out of the pool after I'd given her the option to climb out herself. I was pulling her out and she got upset because I grabbed her arm maybe too hard. Even though I felt good about how I handled it, I said sorry. All of us get hurt so that we can learn how to heal and prevent that hurt next time. In the broadest sense.
3. It's not what you say, but how you say it
She said she heard someone say the "F" word and that it was naughty the other day. She's been told it's "naughty". I said "nothing's naughty, it's how you say something, not what you say. "what's a word that you think sounds only mean?" I said.
She said "shut up" And I showed her how friends might playfully say "shut uuuuuuuuup" and she laughed by the way I said it. This is empowering to begin to understand that intention matters. There is an energy behind the things we do and the words we say. Our best selves harnesses highest energy before we say or do something. We focus on being our best first, so that we say and do our best.
4. Give specific feedback
Saying "good job" encourages the idea that "I'm good if I do this, and bad if I don't. Especially failing at something, which is part of accomplishing. Yesterday we had a swimming lesson, and she's using the kick board. I said "That's the fastest you've ever moved through the water because of how you were kicking, well done!" She was so happy. Direct feedback feels most loving. Brent Brown said "Clear is Kind" I think that's true.
5. Hold the boundary
If I say I'm going to do something, I'd better do it. If I don't she learns that I say things that I don't do, and she doesn't have to listen. It trains her as an adult to do the same thing. That it doesn't matter what you say. Your word is your bond. If you want to be respected, do the things you say you're going to do.
6. Do things you love with them
I don't go to certain parks because I dislike the experience so much. Kids feed off our energy. Why would they have a great time if I was having the worst? I start with something I'd love to do, and then work down the list until we find something she'd love to do too.
7. Focus on your heart when with them.
It's simple. be aware of your heart, it'll help doing things from a true place of love, and not one from control, ego or the mind first (all same thing).
Remember I said "it's not what you do or say, it's how. That's why this matters.
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