You think it's her that needs to change for you to connect deeper.
It's not.
This is about things you don't know that you do.
And how that keeps her shield up.
Like when she shares something.
And you give her advice.
When she shows you she's upset.
And you tell her something to cheer her up.
Because you don't realise you're not trying to stop her from feeling the pain.
You're stopping you.
Robert was a guy who's parents had both passed away when he was a teenager.
Robert's wife told me there was a breakdown in communication.
She was crying and she said she didn't feel heard.
As I began guiding them through the process of understanding themselves, and each other, he began to realise how his nice words to her when she was upset, were a way of shutting down any painful stuff he was feeling.
Because disconnecting from that meant not having to feel the deep grief that comes with losing a parent.
This is why Relationship challenges are beautiful. On one hand we've got the woman who doesn't feel heard. She's exhausted, and sad. Because she wants to be unconditionally loved.
On The other hand we've got a man who's in pain from the loss of the two people that brought him into this world. Terrified of dealing with the sobering reality of life without them.
Because he wants to be unconditionally loved.
My point is this.
When we're judging and blaming, What our heart is saying underneath that is
"see me, hear me. I am love, I want you to love me, then I'll embrace all the pain. But unfortunately someone else can't give that to us.
Even when they know the words to say.
It's us that can choose to open our hearts.
Forgive and accept others.
Not for them.
For us.
Because forgiveness and acceptance unlocks our true authenticity.
It unlocks his or her heart.
With my help, Robert was able to fully grieve.
And with his understanding came his acceptance of sitting with his wife's pain too. She finally felt heard. He stepped up as a father too.
The children's well being improved.
A broader understanding of this life and what's been passed to us is priceless.
Many of us have forgotten the value in passing down wisdom.
In the western world we de-value the wisdom from the oldest in our family. With that ignorance, comes big problems we don't know how to face.
I'm grateful to know this and bring it back for my family, and my clients.
Through Robert's last experience of processing his parents death, he said he found a sense of inner peace he'd never felt before.
This is why I speak of this wisdom I've learned.
Because that inner peace is real success.
Maybe you didn't lose a parent.
But I can assure you, if you want to connect more with your partner, kids, staff or friends, what is in the way of your heart?
What have you not grieved that your parents may not have been able to give you?
What wasn't school or society able to give you that you can accept and choose your own path.
What inspires you and moves you to tears?