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The 6 Needs In A Relationship

If our needs aren't met in a relationship, we will depend on others like we need them desperately.


This creates disconnect.


Have you ever been approached by someone at a bar and felt their "needy" energy?


It was more than what they were saying.


They gave off a "vibe".


We often do this in a relationship if we don't understand ourselves enough to meet our own needs.


I was that person at the bar for more than a decade.


And now I've created a healthy relationship.


I see now how they don't complete me.


They compliment me.


I routinely see this being the key that unlocks deep connection in couples and individuals who come to me with a problem.


The 6 needs


Need 1 - Certainty


As a human, we might feel certain if we have food, shelter, water, money or sex.


In a relationship, intimacy might be the need that's not being met.


Like I said, we can always meet our own needs to the point we don't "need" anyone.


Only then are we free to independently ask to have our needs further met in a healthy partnership.


Here's an example of a client: Bob's feeling disconnected from his partner, because he wants to have more sex.


Bob thinks he needs to do things to get her to be intimate with her, and that may be the case.


But I suggest to Bob, "If she is a reflection of you, what does that tell you?.


What's the reflection?


He's not being intimate with himself.


He starts touching his own body for 10 minutes (not in the sexual areas), he begins to give himself the touch and present he wants with her, and he starts to feel the intimacy he's been seeking.


He starts to feel more certain about himself.


He's becoming in touch with his sense of sexuality, which largely connects him to his relationship with the energy that is running through his body and the universe (everything is energy).


Now he is aware of the "vibe" he is giving off. Because he is aware, and appreciates the intimacy he now has with his own body, she is more attracted to him and they become more intimate.


This task might help:


1. put a 5 minute timer on and touch your body in all of the ways you want to touch your partner, but not in the sexual areas.


Our relationship with everyone and everything is the relationship we have with ourselves.


Your outside world Is your inside world.


Start working on the inside and the outside will change.


Need 2 - Variety


We want new experiences. without them things become mundane to the naked eye that's no longer looking through the lens of wonder in the every day.


Have you ever noticed in a relationship, when you did something you've never done, the affect that had on you and your partner? You likely laughed and played. That continued on when you got back home. This must stay consistent. If it doesn't you will become disinterested with your partner. You feel like you've spoken to them about everything you can, you're doing the same old things. Ironically when you do something new, it triggers you finding new things to talk about that were always there, like "What was your favourite memory as a child"? It leads you to questions you've never asked.


Tasks for you: Go dancing together. It's a great metaphor for the relationship between man and woman. She lets him lead so that he can she can surrender his devotion to her heart. Her every move in the dance is sacred as he supports her. Not because she can't do it herself. Because it supports her to express her authentic beauty as a woman that brings all humans into the world. Without women, we are dust.


Need 3 - Significance


Everyone wants to be seen, heard and feel like they belong.


The problem with this is that we think that we want that from others, but it's truly ourselves. We want to see ourselves even if we feel uncomfortable stuff.


Even if we do things we might not like.


If we don't know how to give that significance to ourselves, we give our power to the opinions and approval of others.


We live in a fantasy?


Can you relate?


This was decades of my life, and that's ok.


This is the journey into adulthood.


You want to ask yourself, what do I do that makes me feel significant?


Without anything external.


Then your partner and friends can support you, as well as you supporting them.


First, you can depend on yourself.


Second, you can depend on others.


I ask all of my clients, on a scale of 0-10, what do you rate these needs for yourself right now?


Over 6 is a good sign you learned how to give yourself what you need.


Under 6 means you might depend on others and disempower yourself.


And you're doing the best you can.


It means you need to develop the relationship with yourself to be fulfilled without others involved first.


I call this sovereignty.


We all deserve it.


Need 4 Love & Connection


This one is self explanatory.


Children need physical touch to literally survive.


Adults do too, but it's not easy to see the affects of less connection.


It's important to know that love and connection is not a feeling.


It's something you do.


What do you do for yourself that makes you feel connected?


What do you do of others also as an act of love?


We'll talk more about this in a moment.


Need 5


Growth


This is our spiritual need.


we want to learn and evolve by applying new information.


There's a saying that goes "You're either growing or dying"


I've found it to be true.


If we are not our body.


If most of what do was learned by someone else.


We are a spiritual being having a physical experience.


We are a vessel for our bodies movements, thoughts and feelings.


This means we ache to expand our true selves, beyond day to day routine.


We crave new experiences.


We crave that with community.


And we also fear the thing want.


There's a part of us that finds the helplessness familiar.


A part of us that wants to feel hopeless.


Because it's what we're used to.


Inner peace is scary for most of us.


And it gets us the life and relationship.


We fear our own hearts desires.


Because then we'd need to embrace all of our weirdness.


The things that make you, you.


And that might be a big jump if you hung around people who denied that.


Now you feel like you belong with people from the past who rejected their true self.


You must trust yourself.


You must learn to love your self like nobody you've ever known has.


Treat yourself like someone you care for the most.


Need 6 - Contribution


Contribution is our purpose as humans.


If we're not giving, we're not growing.


If we're not growing, we're not gaining.


When you're contributing to someone else, there is an element of unconditional love.


That's why focussing on this need for yourself, and others, is the most powerful.


Because seeking unconditional love is the highest intention of all actions.


One of the things to understand in a relationship, is that everyone feels contributed to differently.


That's part of the act of unconditional love. Is finding out how your partner wants to be treated.


"How do I use this information to improve my relationship?"


Sit down with your partner and answer these questions. Write them down.


  1. On a scale of 0-10, how certain do you feel right now in our relationship?

  2. What needs to happen for you to rate your certainty a 10 out 10 right now?

  3. Ensure the answer to what has to happen is clear, for example "I need to live in a clean home." This might lead to actions that you or your partner agree upon to achieve that outcome.

Be prepared to be asked to do things that aren't important to you. This is relationship. You don't do it because it's important to you, you do it because they are important to you.


Repeat these questions with the remaining five needs.


Make sure you do this exercise when you're both alone together and you're as calm as possible.


Remember, how you feel when you start a conversation, will almost be how you feel when you finish it.


So let's feel playful.


Imagine this exercise is so that you can understand each other better and have more fun experiences, as well as increased quality of life and fulfilment.


If you'd like more help with this, you can send me a message and tell me what's going in for you right now.

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